Does anyone else have to cope with pre-filming anxiety?
I do. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Almost every project. Today I’m two days before a weekend short film gig and I’m pretty restless. The set is also a two hour drive away which doesn’t help my nerves.
Been getting paid to point cameras and lights at stuff since 1996, won bunches of awards for my cinematography and directing (and producing), and been on many different sets with many different budgets and numbers of cast and crew.
Yet, to this day, I still suffer from some kind of Imposter Syndrome or anxiety or nerves or whatever it is. So I get the jitters and can’t sleep, I get mild panic attacks, and I’m just so nervous or anxious for Day 1 to just hurry up and get here.
Combine it with occasional bouts with allergies and I might get nauseous and throw up in the middle of Day One.
The AD comes over. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it’s just nerves and allergies.”
Then, by Day Two, it’s all gone. No idea why my body and brain freak out when my spirit is like ‘no worries, bruh.’
Maybe it’s because I drive a van full of my own kit and I’m terrified of forgetting something? It’s happened. Can’t just buy another one of those down the street unless your local store is B&H.
No idea.
Some things I have backups for, others I don’t. In my prep I’m meticulous and methodical. I have gear check lists, and everything lives where it lives and is always cleaned and put back where it’s supposed to be before that crate is put away. Before a gig, the crates are inspected before loading onto the equipment van. And, when possible, there’s a travel day before the filming day so if something happens there’s a buffer before the clock expires.
Maybe it’s because the gig is important and I take it seriously. Also, a whole bunch of people are counting on me and that responsibility comes with a fair amount of emotional and spiritual weightlifting. It’s not easy being a leader and a teacher and a grunt all at the same time. Loss of sleep is what happens when you care.
But, I’ve got this. I’m a pro. I’m a multi-hyphenate polymath badass and I’ve been doing this longer than a lot of these new guys have been alive. So why the hell do I get the jitters?
No idea.
Melatonin doesn’t work. Calm music doesn’t work. Eating well and keeping hydrated doesn’t work. Tossing and turning because I’m worried about not screwing up is inevetible. I care too much, even if the project is ‘meh’.
And it doesn’t happen every single time. The film I shot a week ago, which I also wrote and produced, was completely smooth-sailing. But maybe it’s because I had to be a rock for the first time director. But usually that has it’s own cooldown period which I didn’t suffer from afterward.
Literal shrug.
But hey, at least we know we aren’t alone. In fact, some severity of jitters before an important event — that you have an active part of — is perfectly normal.
At least it shows we are probably not psychopaths.
